Today I experienced some much needed magic

I haven't posted here in many years, my last post was almost 9 years ago. Tonight, I felt compelled to share an experience from today...

Today started off in its usual fashion, I woke up, got dressed and headed out for a walk. The weather was cold and crisp and I could hear the snow crunch under my feet with every step. I have always found the sound of snow comforting and don't mind cold weather so the walk was helpful. I like to take walks first thing in the morning, it gives me a chance to reflect on the things going on in my life and gets my body moving. Once I got home, I prepared some breakfast: a spinach smoothie with lemon, pineapple, banana, coconut yogurt and ginger along with an egg and ham sandwich. When I start my day with a spinach smoothie, I feel like a healthy superstar, plus I do notice a difference when I don't have it. My body has become accustomed to green smoothies every day.

After breakfast, I met a friend on zoom to chat and go through an online course we are taking together. Learning something new with a friend is much more entertaining than learning alone. It's an online asynchronous course which is not ideal for me. I avoided online courses in University, I knew myself too well, if there wasn't a scheduled live session, then I wasn't going to do it. I do love learning, I just tend to procrastinate...how I managed to get a PhD with my skillful ability to procrastinate, I'm not sure.

Anyway, I digress. While chatting with my friend, she reminded me of my word for 2022. My word for 2022? I'm glad you asked. In December (2021), I heard some people mention that they pick a word for the coming year to have a focal point or a theme for the year. So rather than a new year's resolution (or in addition to new year's resolutions), they would pick a word and reflect on that word throughout the year and engage in behaviour in favour of that word. My word for 2022 is Freedom (it was the first word that popped in my mind as soon as I heard about this) so it's the word I will be focused on for the year (and likely beyond). I will find experiences and engage in behaviours that are aligned with freedom or being/feeling free (I find the word fitting given the past couple of years and what we have all experienced).

When my friend reminded me of my word for the year, I remembered that I received a card in the mail with a word for the year that I hadn't opened. You see, last week, someone online (who created an energy deck with affirming statements like "I am love", "I am amazing", "I am open", etc.) kindly offered to mail people a card from her energy deck that she picked especially for them. I was intrigued to see whether the card she picked would match the word I chose in December as my word of the year. When I messaged her, I gave her no indication of the word that I had chosen for myself nor did I post anything about it online. I thought there was no way she would send me a card with the exact word I picked for myself. When I opened the card, my jaw dropped, I showed the card to my friend...there on the card were the words "I AM FREE". I sat there stunned. This woman picked the exact word that I did. It felt like a magical moment, a synchronicity reminding me of the awe and beauty of the universe.

So, now, I ask you, what's your word for the year?

It took 20 years but you got it...finally

Dear 9 year old me,

I can't believe it's been 20 years since I was you. Remember how life was then? I'm having some trouble remembering exactly how it was. But what I do remember is one really important thing. When you were 9 you really wanted to go see a leafs hockey game. You had watched probably every game, cheering for them and staying loyal regardless to how poorly the season went. Each season you were there cheering them on.

One day, twenty years ago, you got that opportunity. Your father, who you started visiting with after years of not seeing him, had 2 hockey tickets to a leaf game and who was he going to take? That's right - it was you. You were going to go to a hockey game... a leafs game...with your father. The man who inspired you to love that team with his love for the team. You remember those nights where you would sit with him on the couch and watch those games? You loved how he would cheer during the game and you in turn did the same. That was it - the leafs that was your team. Yes, you were born in Vancouver so you were loyal to that team as well. But the leafs...they were it...they were your team.

So you had your chance to go see a game, but there was one problem. One of your brothers wanted to go and although you wanted to go as badly as you did, you've done what you've continue to do in life, you put someone else first. So when asked if you would be willing to give up your ticket so your brother could go - you said yes. You really loved your brother so you were willing to give him the chance first. Your father promised you that the next one would be yours to go with him. You gave up your ticket and trusted that in the near future you would get that opportunity again.

As time passed it became clear that that wouldn't happen. Five years later, your father hurt you greatly and you stopped speaking to him. Since then you think back to that day remembering you had the chance to see a game but you gave it up. You decided that some day somehow you would get to see a game.

(Now this may seem a bit extreme to anyone reading it who doesn't know me, which is fine. But for those who do know me - they understand why such an event was/is so important to me. What matters is that this is meaningful to me.)

Given that money wasn't always available for you growing up and leafs tickets are ridiculously expensive, it was challenging to find the opportunity to go...until today. You're about to turn 30 and live in a different city where the tickets aren't as expensive. So in honour of your 30th birthday, you decided it was time to give that 9 year old you what she has been waiting for for 20 years.

After patiently waiting, today you went online and purchased the tickets to go a leafs games with a few friends. Luckily you purchased the tickets alone because the reaction you had was unexpected. As you were selecting the tickets you felt such anxiety.. almost like a sense of urgency. You were determined to get the best seats you could without spending massive amount. As soon as the tickets were yours, you were overcome with such a feeling you did not expect. You knew you'd be happy and excited for the experience but what you didn't know is that finally getting that opportunity you had been waiting so long for would result in tears. You were overcome with such joy that you cried happily. You tried your best to contain (as you had a meeting soon) but there was no containing. You finally got what you had been waiting for.

Dear 9 year old me, it took 20 years but you finally got it... <3

Here's to childhood wishes coming true...

Life

I just got home a bit ago from an early birthday celebration, it was such a good night. It's pretty late right now (230am). I had anticipating the festivities to come to a close around 10 maybe 11 at the latest, but fortunately I got to enjoy my friends company for longer.

As part of my nightly ritual before I go to sleep, I tend to wind down by checking fb, watching some youtube clips and/or chatting. It's pretty quiet right now - seems everyone is asleep. When I logged into fb, I noticed on the home page that a friend of mine just lost one of her best friends, he was not even thirty.

Life isn't always what we expect.... I go about life with plans yet those plans although set aren't a guarantee. I find when someone passes away, it puts life into perspective again (i'm sure this happens with many). I begin thinking about my priorities and where they currently fall in my life.

The main priorities in my life are my relationships (family, friends), school (which is pretty much my career) and my own self care. In general, I tend to get wrapped up in school work and become less focused on myself and my relationships. The first sacrifice tends to be sleep... it's just the easiest thing to cut but so detrimental when you're not getting enough sleep (given that's it's 240am, i'm not on a roll with this). I would love to get at least 7 hours a night of sleep but that seems like such a far reach when there's so much external pressures. With family and friends, I'm not able to visit as much as I would like. I love school but I really want to find that balance.

While I was thinking about my priorities in my life, I had this idea of googling the words "life" and "priorities."

When I google imaged the word life, this image was the first to appear..

This picture is really fitting... what's better than making the most of life by living, laughing and loving. By living life you're making the most of it - so that when you die - you made something of your life. By laughing you're ensuring that your life is filled with joy. I actually have this goal of making one of my friends laugh really hard - a step above a rofl (rolling on the floor laughing) or rosl (rolling on the seat laughing) lol. I think she's winning so far but it's hard to really know how much she's laughing at something when we're chatting online. Last but certainly not least, by loving others, you're filling your life with such a beautiful experience. I dont think there's any greater feeling than loving someone and I dont just mean romantic, platonic love as well is really beautiful. I'd like to add to this image with acceptance... although I think this is implied in love. By accepting others, we're opening ourselves to a wealth of opportunity to meet amazing people. I know that since I've become more accepting I've met people that I wouldn't have otherwise had I been the type to easily judge others. The way I see it is I dont want to be judged for who I am or what I believe, so why would I judge another, just wouldn't make sense.

when I google imaged the word priorities, this image was the first to appear...

At first I thought to myself, what a boring picture... then I thought, no wait a second .. this makes sense. People prioritize priorities, this is great to do. I think the problem lies (at least a problem I've experienced) in which priority is high, medium or low. During my Masters (less so now due to some circumstances) school was my highest priority - above my own self care, my relationships, etc. then I realized that school isn't my entire life, that my other priorities are just as if not more important. I mean what is life if there's no one to share it with...or what is life if you're not healthy enough to experience it.

So my priorities aren't going to change but the level of priority is changing. School will continue to be a high priority but it will not be so when it is at the expense of my other priorities.

As self care is a high priority, I should sleep now.

Here's to Living, Laughing, Loving and to knowing where your priorities should fall.

feeling peaceful... a train ride away

I'm sitting on a train right now attempting to work, yet again I would rather post on here, my attempt to get the juices flowing. I've been on the train for the last 6 hrs and I'm not the least bothered by this.

I find train trips peaceful. There is something about the motion and sounds that put me at ease. I always prefer train to taking the bus. There's enough room that I'm able to work comfortably, I can nap or just look out the window and enjoy the scenery.

On a long ride like this I tend to do a lot of thinking. I find long car rides or train rides I experience this sense of clarity - things seem to all of a sudden make sense. It's mind blowing (at least to me). I can't really explain why it happens in these situations. I'm guessing that part of it has to do with the length of time in one position, but I'm thinking that if I just sat in a room for the same amount of time I wouldn't get the same effect...who knows though, I've never tried it.

Ah, alright, time to get some work done before the trip ends :)

the purpose in the first place...

I just finished reading through all my posts and although it was nice to walk down memory lane, I realized that the real reason why I started blogging wasn't addressed. I started blogging over 3 years ago with the goal of working towards self acceptance however I was scared. My thought was that if I wasn't able to accept myself then how were other people going to accept me? Turns out I'm my own worst critic (surprise!).

So my goal, love me for me. Now even though I haven't been blogging about this for the last three years, I have been working behind the scenes on this goal and have come a long way. Now to continue along this route towards my final destination.

There's research that says that if we express our goals to others, we're more likely to stick to them, so here I go!

..first stop... perfection ville...population, me ...and every other grad student out there, lol.

Believe it or not, for a long time I was in denial about being a perfectionist. I would think, me..unorganized, not great with time management... there's no way I'M a perfectionist...turns out I am, lol. My standards for myself go way beyond what is realistic. For instance, I believe that I should be able to work long days (with no breaks) and take no time off. In other words, I believe I should be a machine, which I'm not.

I think this belief started when I began grad school. All that pressure to be the best got to me, I guess. So now instead of down playing my successes, I'm going to give credit where credit is due.

Here's to walking the path to a better me :)

time flies or for now I wait...

So it's been awhile since I have posted on the site. I didn't realize how long until I saw the date of my last posting "November 24, 2009"...holy shit has it been that long?! I never intended to neglect my blog, though that's what ended up happening.

I could claim the excuse that I've been too busy with school and although true, I think the main reason was that I feel guilt when I take time to write on a blog instead of using that time to work on school work....guilt for the things I enjoy... that's sad...

So today, I write! Not sure really about what but the point is I'm allowing myself time to engage in writing I enjoy. Not to say that I have stopped the creative process all together when I haven't been blogging. I have been writing poetry and prose when inspiration hits. Sometimes the urge to write creatively is so strong that I have no choice but to push aside the school papers and start expressing my thoughts on paper (or in this case electronic paper).

My thoughts for today or at least at the moment:

It's amazing how quickly time flies, I means it's been over two years since my last posting and to me it felt no where near as long. I thought maybe a year, but not two.

I think the perception of time is quite fascinating and although I'm aware of research that shows that people have a tendency to perceive time as closer or further away depending on certain factors, it still amazes me. Take for instance, looking back on our past and we perceive time to have gone by so fast, yet when looking towards the future we see it to be so far away.

There have been a number of times where I have been eager for something and the waiting has agonizing (yeah, I'm probably exaggerating, but I really don't like waiting). On that note, I know I'm not the only one that struggles with being impatient. They say patience is a virtue, it is definitely one I lack or need to improve. To me waiting is only awful when I really want what I'm waiting for, otherwise I could care less about having to wait (I assume that is characteristic of other people as well).

At the moment, I'm feeling overly impatient waiting for something, but as it's out of my hands, all I can do is wait...

That's all for now, I hope the next time I write will not be two years from now.

Good day to all!

someone suggested I post this lol

So given that life can throw some challenges my way, I like to find ways of lightening the effects these challenges can have.

Lately with school work, specifically with applications to phd programs, I have been stressed - I have taken on alot at school and I am doing well with it - the added pressure of those applications hasn't been easy for me but I'm managing and know I'll be thankful once the process is complete and I have my acceptance letters sitting in front of me - where I'll have the options of deciding which program will be best for me. That's a beautiful vision :)

Anyway - tonight while trying to read about phd programs, I sneezed a few times and jokingly messaged my friends saying that i'm doing school work and sneezing therefore I'm allergic to school work lol.

For fun, I wrote this letter to a journal in my area and showed it to a close friend of mine and she suggested I post it on my blog so here it is :)

Dear [journal name],

My colleague and I are pleased to share some excellent news in the area of school stress and graduate students. We have discovered that students can in FACT be allergic to school work when there is repeated exposure. This finding is very much influencial as it will lead to research in interventions and preventative measures needed for grad students to be free of such consequences. We look forward to you publishing not only this paper but all papers to come regarding this imperative matter that faces our colleagues of the future.

Sincerely,

Ally Gerrick-Tuskolverk