Hanging on...

I've had something on my mind lately. I've been trying to shrug it off and think nothing of it but I haven't been super successful. It hasn't really interfered with work... I'm still getting stuff done, but it's hurting me. I keep at my work so I dont have to think about it. I guess it's just bothering me more today.

Yesterday I was on cloud nine (another post potentially later to explain), today that cloud disappeared. I feel lost and confused...but this time it's not school related. I'm good with school, I'm doing well. Today is probably just an off day.

When I was heading home tonight from school I was eager to get home to eat and then head out again for a walk. Whenever somethings on my mind - especially in the Winter, I like to walk. To me there is no better type of walk then walking while it's snowing, there's just something about it...it's calming.

I headed out and just walked...my intention was a quick 15mins walk but it turned into 45...I just kept walking...kept thinking about anything and everything, happy thoughts and sad thoughts; thoughts about the distant future, thoughts about tomorrow. I just kept thinking.

Near the end of my walk something caught my eye, distracted me from my thoughts (even being cold didn't distract me). There was this tree, it was bare like the rest of the trees but as I got closer I notice, it wasn't bare afterall. Near the bottom of the tree just hanging off one of the branches was this clump of leaves, huddled together. It looks like the leaves were hanging on as long as they could. They have held on longer than the rest of the leaves on the tree and as I walked by I thought they could just let go but was impressed that they were still holding on. I stopped and took a longer look at them, hanging on for dear life...shivering...and I felt for them. Afterall, we all have moments when we feel like we're holding on for dear life...

here's to tomorrow...a new day.

Work over Play...

You know you're a grad student when...

A bunch of the grad students went out to dinner and then a movie. I was hesitant to go because a) i didn't care for the movie they were going to see and b) i have work to do lol... I went back and forth on whether or not to go out and my landlord told me to get out and go have fun, so i went to dinner which was a great time (of course food and fun go hand and hand lol). When it came to deciding about the movie I decided against it - i picked work over play lol - had it been a movie I wanted to see... a different story. Either way, it felt great to take a break and go out.

Went for a walk...

While I was eating dinner with my roomate and his gf, he spoke up and said "Don't look outside" and I was like why? what's wrong... I turned my head and felt the biggest grin appear on my face. IT'S SNOWING!!! I was sooo exciting.. FINALLY! A night of snow. I immediately knew I was going for a walk in this beautiful weather. There was no way I was going to pass it up. I have to say that snowing at night one of my favourite things... I just love snow, it's the greatest!

I invited them out for a walk and amazingly they agreed... I immediately jumped off my chair and went to clean things up and head upstairs to ... yes you got it.. get the hat!! haha. I love my Orange hat! I kept jumping around upstairs waiting for them to get their stuff, while shouting how excited I was (I turn into a 5 year old with snow lol).

Hat on head we headed outside into the cold! It was great, we got soaked ... it was mainly wet snow and was good enough to pack up so we made some snowballs and played some :). We walked over to the dollar store and were getting the funniest looks because we were dripping wet lol.

When we got home we made some hot chocolate and dried off. Now I'm writing my paper due in a few days...well I'm supposed to be, lol. I supposed I should get back to it. P.S. It's still snowing :)

It's all about Balance...

I went a graduate student workshop today for a good chunk of the day. It was meant for students doing their phd looking for jobs and recommended for masters students planning to become an academic.

It brought me back to orientation week where a panel spoke about being in grad school and some of the challenges faced. One that stuck out to me was the balance between school and home life (not doing work). When they were talking about it, I was thinking to myself "This is great, they're emphasizing having a life!" I was not expecting such an emphasis on fun lol.

I expected to be busy, not to the extent I am at times. I was pretty sure I could handle the balance between work and play lol. It's harder than I thought. I make sure I take time to myself and have a life (because God knows I would go insane without me time). There are times where the stress level gets to me and then I think to myself -If I hadn't taken saturday off or some time that I wouldn't be as stressed. I know that I take the moments I need and work hard. I just need to figure out some routine...a set routine so I'm not up at 2 am or 3am still doing work (having to wake up at 7am the next morning).

I have this expectation of myself that I should be set by now... 2 months into this(which is silly I know- I know I should give myself more time. I am... it's an in the moment feeling). I keep working at getting a routine down - if only I wasn't most productive at night...I'm not sure what it is really. Most people will comment that it's more quiet and that could be it it... I think I think better at night...who knows.

A Craving...

So I was thinking back to the weekend I went to Ottawa. That Saturday was just a downpour, regardless Steph and I decided we weren't going to let that day go to waste. We got soaked walking along the market and later ventured into a Chapters to dry off. We ended up spending a few hours there, it's the first time such quality time looking through books. I've normally gone into Chapters in search of something specific and it was in and out for the most part. I picked up a book that mom was on me to buy and another book that mom also wanted me to read but I had kept saying no, then one of the profs I work with suggested I read it (lol I guess it's a book I was meant to read - I'm enjoying it what I have read thus far). I ended up getting 3 books (3rd one took me forever to pick lol).

After leaving Chapters, I just couldn't shake this feeling I had, this urge... We walked towards Parliment in the rain, the streets were coated with a layer of water (it was raining that much). One of the coolest things was standing on the steps of Parliment and looking up at the building. Because the lighting on the building, the drops falling from it look amazing. The way they looked was indescrivable...It was a beautiful experience.

While we were walking, I was consumed by this overwhelming craving to write. It's been a long time since I've sat down to write, I mean really write. I have a bunch of stories that I started and never completed, and I have been craving to finish them. I still write poems from time to time which helps (blogging has helped too) but tonight (and that night) I yearn to write creatively, create characters, plot lines, a world where ppl can sit and read my stories can just sink away and forget their troubles (sounds cheesy...I know lol but it's a passion of mine). So I crave the day when I can sit and write and get ones of those stories going. For now this will do...

Here's to later thoughts... and the creation of new stories.

Who would have thought?

Ok so for the past few hours I have been fighting with this HTML assignment that I have due monday and I was sure that things were right. I couldn't figure out for the life of me what I was doing wrong lol.

I tried calling a couple of friends so I could figure out what wrong and no answer. My roomate who knows this stuff... not home...

so I look online for any glimpse of hope and low and behold my ex (who knows computers and programming) is online, so I let go of my pride and msg him for help.

It ended up being something stupid like improper quotation marks and once I removed them it worked! Mind you in the midst of trying to figure it out downloaded firefox (thinking that was the problem lol). So I got to test the html on firefox as well - the html worked for both! So I'm feeling better...

Oh and Leafs beat the Habs!!! GO LEAFS GO!!!

Appreciation...

Alright so last night I was not in the greatest of shape. Everything was coming at me full speed and although normally I'm good at dodging - last night I was not in the zone! I wanted to go to bed at 7 because I was ready for the day to end. Guilt ridden I pushed on and forced my way through my work load (not successfully completing everything, but oh well) and settled into bed at quarter to 1 in the morning and read till I fell asleep.

In the morning I awoke fearing my meeting and not feeling the greatest. I ended up prepping some more work in the morning before my meeting and ventured in convinced things weren't going to go well (bad idea to do this - not recommended lol). The meeting in the end turned out well in the end.

What comes into play appreciation wise... my advisor.. I have appreciation for this woman! She's been great. After we were done the meeting, I stuck around as we were talking about other things (which by the way she is open minded and accepting!- I like this). In the midst of our conversation I mentioned that I think I'm at my max academic wise for the time being (3 research projects, classes and ta-ing will do that...at least for me). She was really understanding of it and stated that Life happens and sometimes we need to slow down. She knows I'm where I want to be and that I have wanted this for a long time so it's nice that if I need sometime or to slow things down I can.

In the end I'm glad I picked this advisor and this area of research.

I feel like I'm exactly where I'm meant to be.

On the Radio...

So I got off the bus this morning heading to class and this guy on the corner stopped me, telling me he was from a radio station and wanted my opinion on last night's results of the election. At first I was skeptical and thought the guy was full of it. I saw his tag with the radio station logo and such so I thought what the heck, do this for kicks. I was with a guy friend of mine who just stood to the side and waited for me. I told the guy my opinion and his facial impression was like this is great and he talked to another guy on the phone and then handed me the phone. Still slightly skeptical I went along. I commented that I thought it was funny that Canadians care more about the American elections than their own. He replied that it was probably because American candidates are more charismatic than the Canadian Candidates and I agreed but commented that if the Canadian candidates don't put on a show but get the job done then it shouldn't matter how charismatic they are. Then the guy asked me what school I went to and I told him and then he cheered on the mascot and I was like umm ok lol.

While I was waiting for the light to change, the guy tried to stop another woman but she wouldn't comment and while we were walking towards the building she asked me my opinion and I stated what I had said on the air.

I got to class and made a comment to people about it and people thought it was entertaining. One of my friends that I had a discussion about the elections yesterday actually heard me on the radio and didn't realize it was me. She was having a kick at the fact that my lack of enthusiasm for the school's mascot was obvious lol.

So that was my morning and now I'm supposed to be doing school work but I decided to write on here instead.

So I thought I'd give this a shot...

One of my friends recommended that I started blogging. I was hesitant at first... well i'm still alittle hesitant, but I thought what the hell...worth a shot. It could be nice to have a place to put my thoughts down, I tend to have random ones floating around anyways.

So here's to later thoughts...may they have somewhere to land.